Monday, June 10, 2013

Some Things are Worth Remembering Some Things are Worth Forgetting

Not sure if I want to remember this or not. Maybe somehow somewhere it will help someone else. Who knows. Not sure if I want to forget this or not, but it's a part of our journey. Our journey to adopt Oakley.

Today was our last post placement visit.

In the adoption world you fret and fear the initial home study visits. You clean your house and then clean it again. You worry that something will be out of place and that you will be denied the possibility to adopt a child. Then you the child is placed in your arms. You are responsible for some more visits usually from that same social worker that did your initial home study visits and interviews. Someone that knows more about you than you care to admit due to all the questions you have previously answered. By the time the post placement visits happend with Manny's adoption I was still nervous, but I had a relationship with our social worker and at least knew her. With Oakley's adoption we moved from Indiana to Illinois when he was 2 months old. We were due a post placement visit at 2 months and at 4 months. So as soon as we moved I got on the ball trying to find someone to come do our post placement visits.

Because of our move I had never met our new social worker at the time of the post placement visit. You would think anxiety would be high; I, however, TOTALLY forgot about the appointment. (I want to blame it on the newborn who wasn't sleeping much yet....but decided to sleep in that day, but that might not be completely fair.) I got a phone call from our new social worker at 8:30am saying she was----OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE. Everyone in our family was still asleep. I told her I'd be there in a second, threw on some clothes and a hat and invited her into our still messy house. Daniel and I had stayed up late the night before and NOTHING was on my radar for early that Monday morning. {major oops!} She was very kind, but had to look into every (messy barely moved into) room in our house.  I was embarrassed, but honestly at that point there was nothing I could do. I apologized and we just went on with the get to know you interview part of asking questions about Oakley and how he was doing, developing, eating, and sleeping. (He hasn't been sleeping at all 'mam---until TODAY, when he was supposed to be my alarm clock. Little stinker!)

So fast forward to today....our 2nd and last post placement visit for this adoption. {Each state & agency have varying requirements for the number of post placement visits and the length of time until finalization can occur.} I set my alarm for today 3 days ago. I had the entire downstairs clean before I went to bed. And I felt very calm about this visit. Oakley was still sleeping (Seriously can we plan a social worker to come every day so he will keep sleeping in???) but the rest of us were dressed and ready for her arrival. She came, asked questions, got to see how much Oakley had grown and that was it. Easy breezy and she left.

Then Manny looked at me and said, "Mommy, do we get to keep Oakley?" I said, "Yes, baby, we get to keep him. He's staying here with us he's your brother." I have no idea where he got this idea. Maybe I planted it there while trying to explain why we even had to have a post placement visit to a 3 year old. But all I could do was cry. I cried over the tragedy of adoption. I cried because it's not natural. No one comes into your house 2 & 4 months after you give birth to check on you and the baby unless there is something majorly wrong. Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful for adoption and for us being able to build our family this way. I feel incredibly blessed to be able to raise these two amazing boys. But there is an underlying grief and a realization the creeps in every now and then that this is not the way it was meant to be. Adoption isn't easy. It's messy. It's complicated. It's hard to explain and at times when a big brother thinks he is going to have to give back his baby brother it's heart wrenching.

We heard from our lawyer that it will get to officially finalize Oakley's adoption sometime after July 31st. At that moment I plan to celebrate and breathe that final sigh of relief. But until then I will try to remember some of these things, and try to forget some of them as well. Because God's got this. He can handle the mess. He can redeem the pain and He will see us through.


Kelly Blevins said...

Oh sweet Emily. My heart is aching for you in all that you are experiencing. And while I don't understand exactly, I do understand that depth of pain in a different way. You cling to Jesus and remember that He did not die for our pain to be painful, but for it to be graceful and have merit. No amount of suffering is ever in vain. Hugs and love!

Christy said...

So true! Great blog!