Noun
A figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction (e.g.,faith unfaithful kept him falsely true).
Today has been an interesting day as far as adoption occurs. The birthmom we are matched with is due in one month. We have no definite plans, no travel plans, no C-section plans and today I began to freak out. I have been told that she could have a C-section up to two weeks before her due date. That would be IN TWO WEEKS!!!!
When we came home from visiting family for Christmas I got out the bassinet and all the baby things. I just needed to be prepared I think. And at that point I was pretty calm.
But this doesn't just affect us....we are also making arrangements for a place for Manny to stay while we travel to the agency (out of state) to get our baby and to wait for the ICPC (paperwork) which could take 2 weeks. I have the soon to be grandparents calling/texting and asking what the plans are. I have my husband asking when the birthmom's plane tickets are going to be purchased. And today I didn't have any answers for anyone. I texted back and forth with my contact at the agency and they don't have answers either. Which led to a near panic attack. What if she goes into labor before she travels to the agency (where I perceive her being safe and well taken care of; where she knows the caseworker and has a support system...) What if we get there and it's like last time. What if we get there and she changes her mind. What if. What if. What if. By this time I was in tears. Like the I can't breathe kind of cry. Where the ache of the past creeps in and waves of terror wash over you.
The amazing birthmom we are matched with has not shown any signs of changing her mind...but neither did the last one. I called our consultant, no answer. I called my BFF who has adopted twice before, no answer. I called my husband. He answered. (He was out of town on business.) Although he could barely understand me at first he calmly replied that we were gonna be ok. Of course we would never want to walk the road that we had walked 3 years ago, but whatever we face we know we can make it through one step at a time. I backed away from the cliff of dispair and began to trust the Lord. At that moment I couldn't accept the big picture, I was just afraid of the pain of loss all over again.
The day carried on with tons of distractions and busy moments. And then I was able to stop and have my quiet time. Do you know the sweetness of the Lord? Here is the verse from my quiet time today: Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Terrified- that was the exact term that resonated in my being just hours before. But the Lord knew that I needed to hear from him to not be afraid. A reminder that He is with me. NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME IS. Whew. Maybe now we can move forward. Not with any new answers to our questions or plans. But with a calmness only the Redeemer can bring. Keep Calm and Adopt. It will be worth it in the end. |
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