S is Manny's birthmom. So far I had not mentioned to her what we decided to name him or any details like that. I wanted to be as far removed from her as possible. But recently I've had a change of heart. Now that everything is official and I know there is no way to reverse the adoption finalization my thinking has changed.
She shared her son with us, why should I be stingy with pictures and letters. And in the future I'm sure he'll ask about her. What if I had to tell him that she was interested in knowing how he was doing, but I didn't want her to be a part of our future.
A little of it also stemmed from reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. If you haven't read it I highly recommend it. The gist of it was that sometimes God calls us to love in unimaginable ways. Ways that don't make sense. Crazy Love.
To some people it doesn't make sense for us to build a relationship w/ S. But if I think about all that she has given us and then wonder if she knows Christ, I think there is no excuse for me to not love her. Many many days I sit and hold Manny and am just so grateful that our lives crossed paths and that she was willing to give us such a precious gift.
I want to love her. Does that mean I am scared. yes. (Not sure what of, but I'm nervous about really getting to know her.) I'm nervous she won't like me or that she will think I'm not raising Manny in the best possible way. That she won't like his name or how I'm doing his hair. But really when I lay all those things aside I know it is the best choice to share love with her and to reach out to her.
So yesterday I sent her a letter. I told her his name is Oliver Emmanuel and that we call him Manny. I told her about what he likes to do and what he's been eating. I told her about his sweet spirit and that I can only imagine that he inherited that from her.
I sent her some pics, but I'm not expecting a reply. I would be overjoyed if I got anything at all. One regret that I have is not taking a picture of her in the hospital. I don't have one picture of her or her "cousin" (they told us he was her cousin, but we have reason to believe he was the birthfather and not her cousin) that was with her. I asked for a picture in the last letter, but got no reply.
Now I'm wondering if someday we would meet face to face. My mind goes wild thinking about what that would be like. What in the world we would say to each other. All I can think of right now is hugging her. And crying. And thanking her profusely. I wonder if that would ever happen. This is the beginning of that possibility.