Thursday, January 14, 2010


Today I wondered is our agency that is trying to help actually hurting us even more?
It's like they know they caused us severe heartache and they want to make it right.
So they are presenting us with many many many situations, we just have to find the right one that fits.

On Sunday at church I got a call about a possible situation a baby born in Michigan....the fees were too high for us after taking a loss on baby Jeremiah's legal fees...I told her they'd either have to come down off the fees or would have to give us time to re-coup the money we'd just lost. (Yes we did have to pay fees for the baby we just returned...don't get me started on that...) She claimed they were already giving us a discount and that would be the best deal possible, besides the money issue this baby was a few days old and was having withdrawal symptoms from drugs or alcohol, they weren't really sure . You don't even know how just seeing our agency contact's number on my caller ID sends my heart into a faster rhythm with hope and anticipation racing through my veins.

On Tuesday night we found out about a baby boy in Alabama who is due in a month or so. Apparently the birthmother and birthfather both picked our profile . But today we found out that the birthmom HASN'T TOLD HER FAMILY ABOUT HER ADOPTION PLAN. **With immediate flashbacks of the lack of birthmother support that Jeremiah's birthmom faced, we felt like we could not proceed with that situation. The hurt is too raw and the situation too similar, too risky.

Honestly we need one of two things right now. 1. some time or 2. a LOW risk situation with the right fee amount attached. (We just applied for a zero interest loan and another matching grant and will know soon if we got accepted, both of those would help tremendously on our budget.) --I jokingly have been asking if we could apply for the adoption tax credit even though we didn't get to adopt. It seems that through all these failed matches and this disrupted placement we are out about the amount 1/2 the amount it would have cost to adopt. It's frustrating because we went the road of adoption thinking we'd have a baby at the end of the money trail....instead of going the route of infertility treatments thinking that we could spend a lot of money for a chance to have a baby. (At this point we come back to the fact that we know all the money in the world belongs to God anyway and so it's not ours to begin with....we know the answers, but it still stinks to have money you've saved for adoption fly out of your bank account and no baby to bring home in the mean time...and having to wait longer due to the fact that there isn't as much money available.) God HAS A PLAN! AND THIS IS ALL A PART OF IT. I have to believe that.

But today I've gotten my hopes up and down and up again only to have them dashed yet again...I want so badly to be a mother.

I am reminded of Job 42:2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

I have to remember that when we are presented with these situations it's really the Lord who knows when and where our baby is going to come. I am anxious to be a mother, more now than ever before. I feel like before we had Jeremiah I was ok with not being a mother, like I could have laid it all down and just walked away. But now I am so anxious, I've had a taste of that glorious thing called motherhood. It's so hard for me to say no to situations that don't meet our criteria. So hard, but I have to remember that if it is meant to be then God will work it out. I am dealing with tides of jealousy at times when I see others who so easily can mother children or who can so easily walk through the door of adoption and they don't have any concern about the financial burden.

Please pray for us as we walk this road ahead. We are contemplating a break, a time where we don't take any calls about adoption situations so that we can have a small respite. A time of peace where we don't feel like the waves of the following emotions aren't washing over us EVERY SINGLE DAY - yes we are going to be parents, no we aren't, maybe we are, oh yes it's the real deal, yippee, oh now we have more information, oh wow- wasn't expecting that, ohhh no it didn't work out....That's right within the last 24 hours we have felt each one of these emotions.

I am so confused as to what God's plan is it's just a blur right now. One moment I think- Oh this is how He's working. Oh this is the next step, then instantaneously it's blurry and looking bleak again. I MUST REMEMBER: JOB 42:2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

Right now I'm just feeling overwhelmed.


Jen said...

Emily, It's Jen Pinkner again. YOu and Daniel have been so on my heart and in my prayers. The depth of the waves of emotion and loss and frustration and emptiness of your hearts in the midst... I am praying for rest in Him for you. Rest to emote, rest to regroup, rest to Trust His purposes when you have no grasp on them. I am thankful that He is showing you His faithfulness through family, friends, even strangers. I pray for discernment for you as to what you need right now for your family--taking a break or going forward.

trishandwade said...

Emily, I found your blog through Renee's (Life with My Special K's) and have been following your journey for several weeks. I've been praying daily for you and Daniel, as well as the baby that you WILL one day have to call your own. I can't even imagine the emotions you are going through, and the hurt that you're feeling. God is faithful, and He is your rock. Be encouraged...and know that even strangers are lifting you up.

Trish McKenzie

Sunny said...

praying for you. the rollercoaster is awful, and God has led you this far, He will keep leading on. You are stronger than most, though you probably don't feel like it today. remember, you only have to take 1 more step. If you can, try not to look too far down the road. It can be too overwhelming, and we just can't know how a situation will unfold when God is at the helm.

Go with the step that feels right for you today. tomorrow you will take another step, and another. Only God knows what is ahead for you, but whatever it is, I believe it is WONDERFUL.

jacklyn said...

Hi Emily,

I wanted to say that you CAN claim the adoption tax credit even though your adoption was disrupted.

"Families adopting a child domestically can claim the tax credit whether or not the adoption goes through. This helps families that cover the expenses of a birthmother who later decides not to release the baby for adoption. IRS Publication 968 provides an alternate method to obtain proof of the child's identity when you can't get an adoption tax number due to a disrupted adoption. Families adopting a child from overseas can take the tax credit only if the adoption becomes final."

I would definately talk to a tax professional and one who understands the tax credit as most don't. Courtney might know more about it too.

Chas said...

I think it's very understandable to feel the range of emotions you've described....and to be both overwhelmed and exhausted! Just through experiencing the situation through your blog, I've been a little antsy myself! I hope that you are able to find some relief, rest, and comfort in the coming days!

Rhonda said...

You don't know me and I don't know you, but my sister sent me the link to your blog this morning following some news concerning our adoption and our similar situations. We received a beautiful little girl into our home in September last year only to find out a month later that the Birth Father wanted her back. Our precious baby girl has been with us since the day she was born and she is now almost 5 months old and we face a trial in the coming months to find out if she will be ours forever or only for a season. My heart and mind real with the thought of having to do what you have had to do and not be her mother for the rest of her days. We longed to be parents and waited for two years to adopt from Russia only to have that door closed by God. He opened this new door fairly soon after that and everything went smoother than silk until the day we received that phone call about a month after we had her in our home. I can relate so much to your story and I wanted you to know that I will be praying for you as you grieve the loss of your son, as well as the longing to be a mother that I can so identify with. It is the most amazing thing in the world and I pray that God will give us both that desire of our hearts. For me, to keep my daughter who I recognize is His and not mine, and for you, to be given that gift very very soon. May God bless you!