Tuesday, February 02, 2010

FEB 1, 2010

Well I made it to the one month mark.
One month since we had to return our baby boy to his birthmom after parenting him for 9 days.

Feb. 1st was harder than I expected. Something about the mere anniversary was hard. Something about the pain that I felt January 1st welling up again made it a day that my heart was heavy.

But we made it. We are still alive and trudging forward. And it's been a whole month. Someone said- Just think, a month ago you never thought you'd make it this far. (so true!)

The father I get from that day there are some things that I am noticing. I can't talk about the details. Even just beginning to walk down that road with someone that asks out of concern, I have to stop; I just can't go there yet. It sends me to an unhealthy place that takes a long time to recover. (Good thing to learn that one quickly and not have to re-learn that lesson over and over.)

I don't want to talk about future possibilities either. They seem to be so up and down, up and down that I just don't want to have to tell people, then feel like I have to keep them up to date. I might get new information and then I'm having to think now who did I tell, and what was the latest version of the story that I told them... It's just easier to keep it all at bay. Courtney (our amazing adoption consultant) is doing a fabulous job guarding me from taking another trip on that emotional roller coaster by just giving us information in big chunks and not minute details.

Right now my daily goals are to #1 Spend time with God, #2 Don't be too hard on myself, #3 Do something that I can be proud of that day.

(I know I know- most of you made your New Years Resolutions on Jan 1, but I didn't even think twice about resolutions this year. It was all about survival from the heartache that day. So maybe my resolutions aren't that big or grand, but they represent where I am right now. Too often I beat myself up for not having it all together. Maybe this is a better way? Walking forward day by day, one step at a time.)

1 comment:

Sunny said...

Good for you. Setting boundaries is healthy. You don't owe anyone any information. This is a personal journey, and I think it would be totally appropriate to log onto your blog one day and see "We have a baby. All papers signed" without any previous mention of the possibility. An then maybe youshare the story, or maybe not. There is something about how a baby comes into your world that is sacred and extemely personal. It's ok to keep it that way.

And people (myself very much included) are nosey by nature. But sometimes that isn't helpful. Just take one more step. That is all that is required of you today. Tomorrow will be a new day with a new step. Hang in there!