This morning was my breaking point.
Daniel had already left for church. I was home alone. I was having some really rough thoughts. I was feeling like I just could not bear this burden anymore. Like I was so overwhelmed that I just wasn't going to make it any longer.
The sermon today was from Kent Hughes who is our long time friend/mentor from Clarksville, TN. The service seemed riddeled with hic-ups...Satan was definitely out for a fight this morning, and it was our highest attendance to date. But Kent talked about not wavering. I was sitting there thinking about how close to wavering I am. That I just CAN NOT do this any longer. That maybe I should call Courtney and tell her we need a reprieve. I did tell her that I felt really overwhelmed today and that adoption was making my life so complicated. That everything in life is good right now except the entire adoption situation and it's just really getting to me. She gently encouraged me that she thought we were close to the end and just to keep on and not to let it consume me. I did feel like it more than consumed me today; I felt like I was drowning.
I was very honest with people at church today. Some asked how I was doing with the whole adoption thing and I was able to say - I just can't talk about it today, or that it's really rough. One poor guy asked me how I was doing and I said pretty bad. (He did ask me a couple of weeks ago if I was the one who just had a baby, so I didn't feel too bad.)
Then tonight Ben and Cindy had come over to look at small group stuff and we were taking through things and Rachel called. (Rachel works for the same agency that we were matched with when we got baby Jeremiah.) I could not answer. I just could not deal with adoption stuff today. TOO OVERWHELMED. I texted Courtney (our consultant) and asked if she could deal with whatever Rachel needed. WELL.....Rachel was calling to tell us that our son had been born.
The birthmom is keeping the baby in her room tonight, and if all goes as planned she will sign the paperwork on Tuesday and we can pick the baby up on Tuesday as well.
Please pray for us. We are so cautious and hesitant. The baby is about 3 hours away so we will get to bring him straight home. No hotel stay. No waiting for ICPC. Just home.
**There is a time period (of 30 days) for the birthmom to change her mind, but she has to take us to court and prove that we are unfit to parent and that we have neglected the baby and that her living conditions are better than what we could provide. So it seems rather complicated/far fetched. Of course so did the last adoption situation with Jeremiah and we all know how that turned out so I'm still holding my breath...and probably will until it's all finalized.
***Also I hesitate to blog about this because it seems that as soon as I do something changes. I'm hoping that this is really the end as I can't take much more. -Kent also talked about holding on to hope today. So good to hear when I lately have tried to throw hope out the window.
Courtney told me to sleep well tonight cause that baby is coming home soon! :)
I am longing for those sleepless nights.