Daddy's girl is here.

I found the room at the hospital and walked in. There were two nurses in the room about to do therapy. My dad was laying in the bed and he had terrible sores in his mouth from Thrush. He lifted his hands and said- "Awww." Tears slowly streamed down his face. His girl was there. His baby girl. I never left his side till he passed on to eternity.

I've always known my dad loved me. He would do anything for me. I was one of the lucky ones. Some people didn't have fathers in their lives and some had worthless fathers. But mine was there. He made sacrifices for me. He made many choices in life because of his love for me. I knew that. I have know he's a great dad. I have known I was a lucky one. But to see a grown man, always strong in my eyes, grow so week and be unable to speak. It rocked me to my core. More than that though was his ability to communicate with his body language and his eyes and his "awww." I knew he wanted me there. I knew he needed me there. I was so glad to be there.

That day I just waited there with my stepmom Lynn and my dad. Lynn nursed him well and fed him spoonfuls of water. The nurses were busy, in and out, giving meds, getting vitals, checking things. Daddy had a tube coming out of his nose that was suctioning his stomach. They had said words like he was septic and he looked terrible to me.

I left to go get Lynn some dinner and we both scarfed down a cheeseburger. Then my BFF from college {who just happens to live 10 minutes from the hospital} came and picked me up. We went to J.Alexanders and ate. She had salad and I had dessert. *I gained at least 15 lbs over the past 8 weeks. But that chocolate cake was amazing. Holly had Carrot cake which was equally amazing. I don't like to order carrot cake out because there are so many different varieties of carrot cake. But next time I go to J Alexanders I will save room for the Carrot Cake.

I spent the night with her and we got up early the next morning and grabbed some bagels on the way back to the hospital. I was set to fly back that day and was supposed to leave the hospital at 1pm so I wouldn't miss my flight.

I was to get there early to talk with the doctors. I arrived and shortly after that the Oncologist came in. He had some sobering news. (Daddy slept while he talked to us.) He said there were 3 options- 1. do nothing and go home with hospice care to make daddy feel comfortable. 2. try another round of chemo, but he didn't think daddy was strong enough for that or 3. wait for the biopsy to grow and see if there was a specific chemo that would work better, but he also didn't think daddy was strong enough for that.

He told us to talk about it and pray about it. Lynn had a couple of questions like could they do a surgery so he could eat again and get stronger. *The cancer in his pancreas was blocking his digestive track and he wasn't able to eat a full meal. Right before he went into the hospital he was throwing up non stop. The Doctor was very nice and brought such a strong presence into the room, but said surgery was not an option that my dad could survive. He was a gentle man with great bedside manner. Lynn and I just cried. I hugged her and we just cried. This past Christmas was the best ever. We had fun and played and ate out. The doctor is now saying HOSPICE. What does that even mean? 9 weeks after Christmas and we just get the word that my dad is never going to get better. That he is going to die soon and that there seems to be no hope for fighting this cancer. Wow. How is this even possible?

So we cry and talk and talk and cry. What do we even do? Do we let Daddy decide? Do we decide for him? What in the world is happening. We forget to eat. I get a blazing stress headache. I call Daniel in the hallway. I tell him to rush down to TN. Our van is in the shop from hitting a deer and the trailblazer is on its last leg and my car is at the airport. So he figures it out to be able to borrow Maggie Mohr's vehicle to make it to TN the next day with the boys. She packs for the boys and I cancel my flight back to Chicago.

When Daddy wakes up we talk to him and he says he wants to "Let nature take it's course."
So that's what we did.