It's like they know they caused us severe heartache and they want to make it right.
So they are presenting us with many many many situations, we just have to find the right one that fits.
On Sunday at church I got a call about a possible situation a baby born in Michigan....the fees were too high for us after taking a loss on baby Jeremiah's legal fees...I told her they'd either have to come down off the fees or would have to give us time to re-coup the money we'd just lost. (Yes we did have to pay fees for the baby we just returned...don't get me started on that...) She claimed they were already giving us a discount and that would be the best deal possible, besides the money issue this baby was a few days old and was having withdrawal symptoms from drugs or alcohol, they weren't really sure
On Tuesday night we found out about a baby boy in Alabama who is due in a month or so. Apparently the birthmother and birthfather both picked our profile
Honestly we need one of two things right now. 1. some time or 2. a LOW risk situation with the right fee amount attached. (We just applied for a zero interest loan and another matching grant and will know soon if we got accepted, both of those would help tremendously on our budget.) --I jokingly have been asking if we could apply for the adoption tax credit even though we didn't get to adopt. It seems that through all these failed matches and this disrupted placement we are out about the amount 1/2 the amount it would have cost to adopt. It's frustrating because we went the road of adoption thinking we'd have a baby at the end of the money trail....instead of going the route of infertility treatments thinking that we could spend a lot of money for a chance to have a baby. (At this point we come back to the fact that we know all the money in the world belongs to God anyway and so it's not ours to begin with....we know the answers, but it still stinks to have money you've saved for adoption fly out of your bank account and no baby to bring home in the mean time...and having to wait longer due to the fact that there isn't as much money available.) God HAS A PLAN! AND THIS IS ALL A PART OF IT. I have to believe that.
But today I've gotten my hopes up and down and up again only to have them dashed yet again...I want so badly to be a mother.
I am reminded of Job 42:2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."
I have to remember that when we are presented with these situations it's really the Lord who knows when and where our baby is going to come. I am anxious to be a mother, more now than ever before. I feel like before we had Jeremiah I was ok with not being a mother, like I could have laid it all down and just walked away. But now I am so anxious, I've had a taste of that glorious thing called motherhood. It's so hard for me to say no to situations that don't meet our criteria. So hard, but I have to remember that if it is meant to be then God will work it out. I am dealing with tides of jealousy at times when I see others who so easily can mother children or who can so easily walk through the door of adoption and they don't have any concern about the financial burden.
Please pray for us as we walk this road ahead. We are contemplating a break, a time where we don't take any calls about adoption situations so that we can have a small respite. A time of peace where we don't feel like the waves of the following emotions aren't washing over us EVERY SINGLE DAY - yes we are going to be parents, no we aren't, maybe we are, oh yes it's the real deal, yippee, oh now we have more information, oh wow- wasn't expecting that, ohhh no it didn't work out....That's right within the last 24 hours we have felt each one of these emotions.
I am so confused as to what God's plan is it's just a blur right now. One moment I think- Oh this is how He's working. Oh this is the next step, then instantaneously it's blurry and looking bleak again. I MUST REMEMBER: JOB 42:2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."
Right now I'm just feeling overwhelmed.